I personally cannot remember the last time I was embroiled in a conflict of sorts. Therefore I would propose a hypothetical situation that could perhaps simply illustrate the rudiments of interpersonal conflict and how this conflict could have been avoided by adeptly choosing the right words to convey. This highly hypothetical, non specific situation is as such:
When in conversation with her boyfriend, girlfriend deftly uses a trick question to probe her boyfriend’s real thoughts about other girls and so we explore the possible conversations that might ensue –
1) Girlfriend: Ugh, that girl looks slutty.
Boyfriend: Totally. Slutty is not sexy.
Girlfriend: So you’ve been staring at her, huh?!
1) Girlfriend: Ugh, that girl looks slutty.
Boyfriend: Totally. Slutty is not sexy.
Girlfriend: So you’ve been staring at her, huh?!
2) Girlfriend: Ugh, that girl looks slutty.
Boyfriend: Who?
Girlfriend: You know who I’m referring to.
Boyfriend: Ah yes, she looks slutty indeed.
Girlfriend: So you’ve been staring at her, huh?!
Boyfriend: Who?
Girlfriend: You know who I’m referring to.
Boyfriend: Ah yes, she looks slutty indeed.
Girlfriend: So you’ve been staring at her, huh?!
3) Girlfriend: Ugh, that girl looks slutty.
Boyfriend: No?
Girlfriend: Why don’t you just go marry her then!?
Boyfriend: No?
Girlfriend: Why don’t you just go marry her then!?
4) Girlfriend: Ugh, that girl looks slutty.
Boyfriend: I wouldn’t know.
Girlfriend: Oh, well, she is.
Boyfriend: I wouldn’t know.
Girlfriend: Oh, well, she is.
Now, clearly, interpersonal conflict was avoided in conversation 4 while in the other conversations we see potentially, the dissolution of a relationship. Simple as this illustration might be, the underlying rational of a conflict is exposed. The first three conversations depict a boyfriend that has not undergone the lesson, understanding of the EQ principles and is therefore unable to respond appropriately. On the other hand, Boyfriend in the last conversation could, within milliseconds of the test question pinpoint Girlfriend’s motives, understand his position as a boyfriend, put himself in her shoes and come up with an answer that would otherwise have caused a conflict.
Conflicts arise because of differences but if the central motive of a problem may be identified then, there might not even be a quarrel. However, for an ongoing conflict, careful choice of words through a quick analysis of the situation can resolve the problem at hand. This is the reason why we learn to discern the principles of EQ – to help us in times of real, non-hypothetical situations.
My question to all my readers: How would you, based on what we have learnt, resolve the conflict in one of the above conversations (1 to 3)?
Any longer and this would be a book – The Little Penguin.
Hi Elaine,
You're sure this is hypothetical? Haha!
I think for situations 1 - 3, a simple "In anyway, she definitely cannot be compared to you". Most of the time, questions by girls' especially relating to matters you have described, have a hidden meaning. They probably just want to "test" if their boyfriend is concentrating on them or are in fact ogling at other girls.
Maybe the guy could also work to understand his girlfriend's insecurities (EQ involved here) and then say what I have mentioned earlier. This way, the guy could still look at the girl and have a way out for himself with his girlfriend feeling happy. Haha, kidding.
Dear Elaine,
Personally I despise girls like these, haha, unless a smile follows after every last line, so that i'll know that she's joking.
So to address your question, I would choose situation 3.
3) Girlfriend: Ugh, that girl looks slutty.
Boyfriend: No?
Girlfriend: Why don’t you just go marry her then!?
Boyfriend: Because I already have you.
Cheesy, but kind of romantic nontheless. If the hypothetical girlfriend proposed above is childish enough to pose a question like such, she would also fall for a reply like such.
Dear Elaine,
I am happy that we choose the similar topic of the conflicts between boyfriends and girlfriends, because these are the two groups which occur the conflicts most frequently and endless...
After went through all these 4 situations, I don't think the 4th one is a solution to avoid the conflict. Because from the previous 3 situation, I relasize that that girl doesn't trust her boyfriend. Whatever he said sounds like an excuse in the girl's mind. Therefore, in my opinion, this kind of conflicts will not find the solution unless they trust each other. In the other words, if they trust each other, these situations will be treated as joking.
What do you think, Elaine?
hey Elaine!
So sad, you know. due to the internet connection problem, my previous long comments disappear!(crying)
emm.... i agree with Liu Chang Ella. Trust is the key to avoid conflict. But sometimes, people tend to be extremely sensitive in some situation. Therefore, choosing the correct words to convey the info is very critical. so in this point, your opinion is quite right.
Hi Shawn,
Thanks for sharing your views. Of course this is hypothetical! Haha. The things you have mentioned are interesting. Generally, I feel that such minor things will not ruin the relationship shared by the couple as long as they have forged a strong bond. I assume that "This way, the guy could still look at the girl and have a way out for himself with his girlfriend feeling happy." is something that a majority of guys would like to achieve? Haha thanks!
Hi Nicholas,
I would say that your suggestion is good. As both the girlfriend and boyfriend will feel happy at the end of the conversation. Afterall, this is just a hypothetical situation. Thanks.
Hi Ella,
I agree with you on the fact that mutual trust is essential in all relationships between people, especially that between a couple. Since all four of the suggested solutions will not solve the problem, what do you think the boyfriend should reply?
Thanks.
Hi Aoyun,
Don't be upset! I appreciate the fact that you actually put in effort to comment on my blog post. (:
I agree with you that "choosing the correct words to convey the info is very critical". As human beings tend to be very sensitive, be it through verbal or non-verbal communications, conveying the right message across to the other party is therefore crucial. Hence this leads me back to the point that interpersonal conflicts can be avoided by having good EQ principles and careful use of words.
Thanks! :D